Recall Notice

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units’ code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, “Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality,” or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

There is no additional fee required.

The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.  Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the HOLY SPIRIT.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer’s warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.  For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice.

We are….

We are the only Bible the careless world will read.
We are the sinner’s gospel;
we are the scoffer’s creed,
We are the Lord’s last message
given in word and deed,
What if the typesetting is crooked?
What if the print is blurred?

Wake Up Call

 A certain pastor was upset with a man in his congregation who was frequently going to sleep during the sermon, so the pastor decided to teach the man a lesson. Near the end of the sermon, the pastor, in a normal voice said, “If there’s anyone here this morning who wants to go to hell . . .” he began – then raising his voice to a near shout, continued, PLEASE STAND UP.” The sleeping gentleman, startled from his slumber, sprang to his feet. Then he slowly looked around and then said, “Well, Pastor, I’m not sure why it is that I’m standing, but it looks like it’s you and I are in the same boat.”

Jesus vs. Satan

 

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code steaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cried he had nothing, and lost it all when the power went out! God then said “Let us see if Jesus fared any better.” Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, and voices of angels poured forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished and stutters, “H-h-h-how?? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckled, and said “Everybody knows…Jesus SAVES!!”

Another woman

There was this preacher that went on a retreat in a rural village. On Sunday they went to the local church. The pastor began his preaching. Soon most people were sleeping or almost there. Then – to the shock of everyone else – the pastor said, I spent half of my life in the arms of another woman!” Well of course this shocked the congregation out of their intelligence, and everyone woke up as well. The pastor continued on with his sermon by saying, yes, my mother held me through everything I went through in my young life. Now it is my wife that holds me tight. And the pastor finished his sermon. Well the visiting pastor thought to himself. That was a pretty cool trick to get the people to listen to you. I’ll have to remember that.

The next week the pastor was back in his own church. In about the middle of his sermon all the people were about to go to sleep, so he decides to use his new trick that he learned. All of a sudden he booms out in his menacing voice, I spent half of my life in the arms of another woman. The congregation gasps. All of a sudden the pastor’s mind goes blank. His wife is staring at him like a traitor. He finally fumbles out, but I can’t remember her name. (You can probably guess what happened to the pastor!)